SHADOWS

On a corner you meet a face. It follows you,

And at night even after your eyes are closed

The face is there waiting.

Or, sometimes a tune begins in your head

And it won’t stop. No matter how

Important the moment, the tune goes on.

When I was in school, a pretty boy at a picnic

Sang a song. It was a cold night

And his face in the firelight overcame the shadows.

Listen – there is a sound beyond every sound, and

There is a face almost glimpsed,

Like a friend’s, when shadows move

There he was, smiling at her, looking at her from across the room. She felt herself blush when she realized she was the object of his affection. At that moment, time seemed to stop. As if nothing even really mattered anymore – just them and that moment. Her heart raced, her palms sweaty, and she looked up to look into his eyes from across the room. She smiled foolishly and he gave a cute laugh. It was then and there that she knew that she had to get closer; she had to know everything about this guy. This guy who made her melt from just one smile from across the room. This guy who made her flush crimson red when he looked intently at her. 

BETTER PART DEUX

It was one of those nights. It was a night where she was burning the midnight oil to study for an exam. It was a typical evening for her. A hot cup of coffee, her readings, her books, earphones in and volume all the way up and her chatbox in Facebook busy with messages coming in from a group chat and this charming guy from her class.

He was an athlete; a varsity swimmer, in fact; a registered nurse now studying medicine and an absolute sweetheart. She never really noticed if anyone liked her. She knew that some guys do but she always just shrugs it off and say to herself that they were all just a harmless crushes and that it would eventually pass. Ever since her last heartbreak, she has had a hard time fathoming the thought that anyone could ever like her in a long term basis. She just thought that the reason why guys like her was because she was a bit funny and maybe even cute and a bit pretty but all of these are immediately stumped by her insecurities. Though she does not like showing that she is insecure, deep down she is. Humor and sarcasm have had become her best friends.

But this guy… He made her feel like she wanted to believe that she was beautiful inside and out. He made her feel special. I have to be honest, he came off strong. So sure of himself and so…arrogant? But in a good way. He had a right to be arrogant. He was intelligent as hell. She remembered the first time that she noticed him. It was the first two weeks of medschool and she thought he was cute. She tried to have a conversation with him but it felt like he was never interested. Anyway, she just shrugged to herself and said “Oh well.”  Then something crazy happened in the next following months. They actually became friends because of a classmate. Like a fool, she told him a joke - a very corny one at that – just to get a chance to actually have a conversation with this guy. He fascinated her in a way but she never really made notice of it.

They became good friends. Very good friends. They gave each other advice about love, studied together, and all those normal things that new friends do to get to know each other better.

It was at that night that he told her that he liked her. It came off as a joke to her because she never really thought that someone like him could like someone like her. She didn’t bother with it and refused to believe him nor anyone who told her that he indeed liked her. It irked her to think and realize that someone nice could like her like that.

He was persistent. That’s actually an understatement. Whatever word is stronger than “persistent” will definitely describe him. Needless to say, he taught her a lot. She was a bit naive about things and he was a bit more wiser than she. They were opposites. Complete and utter opposites.. But he made her feel nice. Pretty. Beautiful. It has been a while since she actually felt like those things. She felt alive.

It wasn’t much later that she had this sudden burst of realizations. She liked him back. She actually liked him back. She felt that she had to tell him as soon as she can muster up the courage to do so. She felt that if she didn’t she’d miss her chance at something that can possibly be the greatest thing that will happen in her life. She thought that if she didn’t tell him soon, she’ll miss the chance of being happy. Genuinely happy. She swallowed her pride and texted him on one November day and told him. He actually didn’t believe her. He texted her that night if what she said was true; she felt stung. Hurt maybe? I don’t know. She just felt like her effort was wasted. She swallowed up all of her pride and told him how she felt and he didn’t take it seriously. She told him the truth. She told him that what she said was true and her feelings were true too. Her heart raced while waiting for his reply – expecting the worst. But the worst didn’t happen. He replied in a way that made her smile and reassured. They both liked each other. It was a surreal feeling for her; one that she hasn’t felt in the longest time.

 She felt better – better than before. She felt happy.

BETTER

There was this guy who captivated her heart. The guy who, for four years, has enchanted everything about her. He was intelligent, handsome, kind, plus he was mysterious too. What college girl wouldn’t want  to explore and understand the mind of a mysterious guy right?

Dead wrong. She was captivated by him. She wanted nothing more than to be able to be a part of his world. She knew that it was a long shot so she stayed low and loved and admired from afar. I don’t know what’s worse, loving in silence or not being sure if you’re really in love or not. For all she knew, maybe she was just infatuated. Stronglyinfatuated.

She never really felt that she had wanted to tell her story about how she fell for a diamond in the rough. The reason? It broke her heart every time she thought about it. Sometimes she could still feel the ache of what happened after Graduation. It hurt. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore now but it still stung a bit. She memorized every single word of her letter to him and also memorized every word of his message to her after.

She felt broken. She made it a priority to grieve for one whole week. She gave herself a deadline. There was really nothing else to do but to just mourn and grieve about those four years that she spent fantasizing and idealizing and just romanticizing one guy. Four years. All her college life. She felt stupid. Dumb. Foolish. That one week deadline was everything to her. She allowed herself to be vulnerable and cry her eyes out. She stayed in her room and lashed at everything and shunned the world from her life. She promised herself that after that one week, she will never ever talk about this one guy. She would never feel those feelings again for this one guy. This one guy. 

All her efforts worked. I’m not saying that it was easy for her after that one week. It wasn’t that she turned everything off exactly a week after. But the thing is, she was better, mended perhaps? No closure but she felt better about herself and proud. She vowed never to make the same mistakes again. She vowed that she wouldn’t let anyone in again. She vowed not to feel as much anymore. It worked, actually. It really did.

Then as the next year approached, she found herself in a new environment with new people and a new place. She felt that it would be a good start for her. She never really liked anybody. She made no effort in entertaining those guys who were interested. 

This was all fine until this one guy came. The kind of guy that was so kind and so persistent even though you have told him point blankly that he was just a friend. The kind of guy who really cared. This happened November of 2013. Then everything changed…

to be continued